Nest Know-How

"No! Don't hang that photo!"

"I know, I know, me at Disneyland doesn't go with the Vermeer prints--"

"It's not that--there's a weak spot in the wall at that exact point."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. There's also six knot holes under the wallpaper and a slight crosswire in the outlet..."

"How do you know all that?"


"Because I built this nest myself, Lionel. I know every last detail of the construction, right down to the number of tiles on the bathroom wall."
"You? Build a nest? Seriously?"
"I still can't believe you built a nest. Next you'll be telling us you did it all by yourself.""Which I did, smarty pants. It wasn't easy--I spent months studying the techniques in Nestbuilding School...

First there were months of intensive study of the principles behind nestbuilding--I was at the top of the class in nest theory, by the way.

Then came the courses in Advanced Nest Design, where we studied method--
"There are actually classes for designing nests?"
"Absolutely--after those, you move on to Drafting class...that's where you draw the blueprints, of course. Here's a bit of an old homework assignment--there's where I scribbled out my first idea--a bit ambitious, I felt. Oh, the hours I spent labouring over it...

...Last, but not least, my favorite: Construction Studies. I chose Sticklaying as my preferred medium--

"Sticklaying class? Is that like the Three Little Pigs?"
"I hardly think my hard works deserves comparison with pigs in a magical forest, thank you very much. But yes, it's sort of similar.

Graduation day I was thrilled to finally get my certificate. Here's the photo Mum snapped of me accepting the ol' diploma...

"And that's when you built this nest?"

"Of course. Now hand me that magnetic nail straightener in the drawer and I'll hang that picture."